... Uhm... hello. Hi. ... ^^;
How's things lately, settling in okay with Miya? =)

Uhm. Actually that's not what I was gonna ask.

...

Hikari, you know how I sometimes need to talk to you because something's been driving me nuts for weeks?

Well this is one of those times.

Only this time it's really bad. Sort of. Not in per se', but it's the whole situation from the past that just makes it defy any kind of reason. I need to know you won't tell anyone about this, especially not Miya. I didn't want to ring you about it because I know you're busy and I know it might not be the right time so... I'll wait till you see this.

And know in advance that I'm really really sorry. X_X;

Dear journal,
I've been ignoring you. And I only have a semi valid reason.

Two days after my last post, when I decided I'm leaving the whole mess behind and just start anew... I sort of did. Sort of.

To be completely honest, I have no idea. And it's mostly all me, I'm completely fine having no idea. It's like I turned a brand new page. Because truly, why should I wallow in all these dramatic 'I should have' and 'I shouldn't haves', essentially - no past can be changed. So, might as well actually do what I feel like doing in a certain situation, there's nothing really stopping me now is it?

It's only sinking in now. I'm nearly 18 and a half, I've got my own place, eight essays done in four days say I'm doing good in school and I'm single free. Feels like the world just expanded the horizons, so why limit myself?

...

ohmygodIhadKenonmybed... No, okay, it's cool, no sweat. Not like it changes anything. Not like I couldn't see it coming. If people ever find out, I'm blaming Miya. >_> She was the one that opened the floodgates with that dare. As if. And where did all this pent up tension come from anyway, curiosity? Good thing we're not cats.

In my defense, I don't think Iori and him are dating, or at least that's what Ken made me believe. Not like it essentially makes matters differ; the day I fall in love with Ken would be the day I sign a death wish, in fluent cursive, with a silver ink-pen and golden-lined paper.

Still, Ken's okay. He presents a rather amusing intellectual challenge and the 'no-strings-attached' policy is rather welcome. So... whatever. I'll still hang out with him like I have lately. This can only be a big issue if somebody makes it such, which I'm not planning in the least.

... I feel better now. >_>

I should also stop taking the tag with me everywhere I go out of habit. I wonder how Dai is. I wish I could call, but I don't think I can talk to him right now.

... I hope Mike's okay. I can't call him either, not yet.

Denial is such a wonderful thing: I totally didn't do that. How many levels of wrong was that? I should never trust myself to go out with Ken alone ever again.

Right, urge to go back and hide my face under my pillow for the rest of the day life rising...

...

It was so awesome though. Not like he'll ever know I think so.

I hate you, Ichijouji.

Hello Tokyo, I'm home. I got a surprise welcome party consisting of Koemi sitting on the steps to my apartment with a whole bag of Breezers and vodka. What is it with people; I'm legal to drink and suddenly everyone wants me smashed drunk? All the time? XD

Nah, it was really sweet of him. I've already eaten dinner with mom on the way from the airport, but he insisted we make some pasta to go with the drinks and - surprise, surprise - we didn't burn anything. We drank and watched TV. There was first a concert on and then we just skimmed through random music videos. I remember him getting philosophical about the shape of the microphone. He invented a drinking game; we had to drink every time a singer looked like he was about to give oral gratification to it. I can't believe I played along... but in all honesty it made me wonder. Microphones could as well be shaped differently. They do give subliminal impulses if you pay attention to it...

Hence the hangover. I have yet to turn on my phone. And wake up Koemi, he said he wanted to be up by noon. He's crashed over on the couch, he's gonna have a major headache, might as well get him up now and pop some pills into him, the sooner the faster the effects 'll start kicking in.

France was... hot. Brooding. Confusing to a point and then full of answers and realizations I sort of had to come to, but wish I hadn't. I realized I need to be more me. I always knew I was a social person, that being with people made me feel good. Which also meant that having a boyfriend all this time gave a base that sort of made me... one half of a whole. Meaning I never got to figure who I was on my own. And even before the significant others came Yamato, he still does... it's like I'm dependent on people to feel good.

Being on my own, I sort of... got through a lot of stages I guess. Some sad, some bad, some... just me I guess. I tried to move through them slowly, writing a hand-note diary along the way, every day. I think I needed this time off.

Catherine helped a lot. She was like a conscience and support at the same time. I do love her, and she made me discover what kind of love it was. It wasn't the same kind of love I had for Mike or... Dai. They're all different. I suppose that's how it's supposed to be.

I tried to hang out with Dai, too. I mean, we were friends before, we can do this again. I think we did okay... it still sort of backfired when he suddenly mentioned Mina, but I never truly did anything to flirt with him. Sometimes it felt like he only did it out of his own insecurity...? I think i made him insecure. I didn't mean to. Whenever I felt like he was shrinking in, or leaning close without noticing, I turned away, smiled, said something unrelated. I dunno. Maybe it was a mistake to go with him to Milan. But I wanted to be there, it's a big decision for him. Double edged sword, I guess. It's good I'm home. He has to digest it all, settle his mind a bit and we'll be friends. Just like old times - we're going down a good road, I think. ^^

I'm better off putting this behind, too.

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, promised, I'm just in France with mom. No offense, I love my mom, but I haven's spent a summer holiday with just her in ages, probably since I was what, 14, 15? Ironic I get to do it again at 18. Seriously, I'm visiting all the places I used to hang out as a kid. And it feels... well, lame. :/ Grandmaman even said I should be in bed before 11PM (at which mom had the grace to laugh at me, btw). I don't think I'll ever be considered adult with them, sucks being the youngest kid in a traditional French family. Also because, apparently even though I'm not mature enough to be out after 11PM, according to all my aunts, I still really should get married and have kids soon. O_O Somebody dissect this logic for me, please... *not amused*

Either way, I have been hanging out normally like I would have in Tokyo - my room's on the ground floor and I told mom I was not about to obey said curfew, of course. I've been partying with Catherine on weekends, took walks, hung out... but only after 5PM. Lord so help me it's insanely hot here. I've never been too fond of too high temperatures, but this year... it just kills me. I'd peel my skin down it's so hot some days... I miss my apartment and its air-conditioning. x_x

Speaking of which, Dai's been really helpful. Not without poking fun of me for it, but! I eventually went to say hi to the bar he works at whenever I was in town on errands. It so happens my grandmother likes to remember she forgot this or that for lunch and proceeds to point out how I'm young and healthy and won't I be a dear and go fetch her this or that from the store. Of course I go, every time - she'd have a stroke if she went herself! Point being tho, that this always happens to be in the worst heat of the day. Meaning Dai got to see me dying and stealing an ice-cube or two a day to last me on the way back.

Which was why he one Wednesday woke me up at approximately 5:30AM and told me we're going to the beach cuz he was sick of my moaning how hot it is. I thought he was joking. But by 6AM he came rattling at my window. So I had to pack my swimwear, towel, wallet and bell-cap (Mimi you have no idea how much I love you for it, it's a lifesaver) and ride the bike down to the beach. Which was actually quite nice of him. Save the part when he hefted me up, said bell-cap and sunglasses still on and all, and threw me into the sea like a rag doll.

Anyways, I'm at his place now, waiting for people to show up; He's mailed me earlier today that he got a call from Parma so we're supposed to be celebrating? I hope you guys turn up, we got wine and pizza and croissants for later. =)

Hope everyone else's enjoying summer. =) I should be back in Japan by the 25th.

I'm just gonna leave this right here...



;P

Two weeks ago I would have maybe posted this instead.

I'm okay.
I'm good.
I'm still here.
Life goes on.
I love my college.
I've got exams and a play to prepare for.
Patamon's here, we talked, it's all good.
Iori's back.
Steve is okay.
Hikari's my guiding light.
Miyako makes me smile, always.
Catherine makes me feel like I'm worth something, as a person.
Mimi's fashion coaching makes sure I feel good in my skin.
Dai is... happy. Or is on his way there. And Ai-chan is adorable.
Mina is wonderful for him, she really loves him.
Jun... her acceptance means the world to me.
Koemi's set on making me liven up.
I'm not alone.
I don't see Mike's flirting comments to Ken.
I don't see his face over and over again when he told me that-...
...
I'm okay.
I'm good.
And I'm repeating this until I'll believe it. Because everybody else believes in me and I don't want to let them down.
So I'm okay.
I'm good.
I'm still here.
Life goes on...

I had no idea I had so many. xD Hikari eventually takes them of me and I don't even know. =) I figured out only now that I can actually have a gallery on here, I had no idea... I suck. Some of these are old, but they were all made this year.


Chewy. Yeah.
... me chewing my fingernails. Thanks for immortalizing this, Hikari.



Pink suits you <3
I told Hikari I wanted to scroll through the pictures she did at a crossing, but I really took a picture of her. From the back. Next time turn! XD You're beautiful, I want pictures of you! ^^


Cloudy forecast?
Man. I look like a storm. XD Taken before Jyou's party; I was worried, all the organizing...


KOEMI YOU COPYCAT
I said I was getting an iPhone first, honest. (Made this Wednesday)


Juliet, oh Juliet~!
Kari was like: "You look like a Romeo from down there, look up somewhere over there!"
me: *wtf grinning* "Where? ... there?"
Kari: *snap* "Purrfect!" <3

I have lots more in the gallery. <3 Hikari you're amazing at pictures, not that I don't always tell you this.

BTW, Wednesday was rather nice. ^^ I had no idea so many of you were coming, but it was a pleasant surprise, we should do it more often! Koemi said he'll tell me next when his friend's on the bouncer job, so we can get in no problem again. I was really pleased tho, we went out to have fun and... correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we all got just that (dont' you go denying it, Ken, I saw you, sexy)? Also, Catherine. We need to dance more often. Did you see, when we got into it, people just gave us room and stared. Tho I think it was more about you being breathtaking, actually <3... I think the girls we brought in were the light of the party. Mimi - hands down. That was the most amazing I ever saw you look, and that's saying something. Not that Sora nad Mina were far behind, and I'm not just saying this. Koemi insists you're all welcome to come again anytime~ xD Next time, even the rest of you are coming along alright? C'mon it's summer! If we dont' party now, when will we? =)

Also, sorry I got tipsy at the end. Koemi was exaggerating - I didn't need to be carried, that was embarassing. Also, Thank you for staying with me till the next day, Catherine. ^^ You're wecome to stay anytime. ^^ I promise next time I won't sleep in? Also, I can't cook for the life of me and that's a fact, but figuring out brakfast was fun. Do you remeber how we did those toasts and what we put in them? Because they were rather good. Hah. XD

I'm getting a hold of my life again and it feels good. I really needed to go out and talk with all of you. So thank you. Especially you Dai. Thank you for showing up early. Is Ai-chan okay? ^^ Also; I talked to Patamon and we're good. He's still here with me, he says hi to everyone.

And Hikari? You're my ray of light. I love you <3
You know why.

I'm taking Koemi-senpai on his invitation to the student's party on campus, and I'm allowed to ship in people. Anybody else coming?

Yamato, I wanna talk to you...?

I've been up for 33 hours now, new record.