Hi, journal, I know you probably don't like me because I come back here and type out insane amounts of text in you that at the end of the day people don't read anyway because I make it all private and rant my head off till I drone myself out, but I hate you more, believe me, because I need this?

The thing is, I'm so stressed out right now about school. About trying to ignore my problems. I don't actually feel bad about Iori and Daisuke burning things down, but at the same time I just want to go there and smack Dai up the face for it for reacting like that. And hell yes, I'm late about writing that, but then again my denial is old news. Hey, watch the Wonderboy of Hope hope away! How does he do that? Does anyone give a crap how anyway?

... yeah, they do. I know they do. I'm just... I think too much. And the joke is, half the time I don't do what I think anyway, because I think i think too much, and then I don't, NOT wen it actually matters. And then there's times when I think a lot, a galleon to fill the sea up and over, flood Digiworld and hello Noah's Arc right off to hell, and then I realize I said what I thought out loud. Consequentially, I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing with myself right now.

Oh, right, school. Writing. Being a writer. BAM I turn up in a digital dimension at 8 and then picture myself up among the stars and shaking hands with Stephen King, with Agatha Christie nodding at us from the havens and wow; is that Tolkien turning in his grave? Recession's out there, and it's not some huge mean digimon we can just knock down; who am I kidding? Who's gonna want to read my stories? And what's gonna be on the back of my paperbacks? "Lives alone in an apartment in Tokyo with a Maltese puppy and a closet full of post-it notes." Right.

The thing is, I'm not supposed to be so... unamused, unimpressed and just damn flat unfeeling. I'm supposed to be walking downtown, slurp a cup of instant coffee and have ideas hit me in the head like a flying meteorite shower. But no. As it is, I've been sitting here staring at this damn computer screen for about an hour and a half and have not gone pass the first damn sentence, mostly because all I can think about is why Dai's gone out of his way to go get drunk with Iori and have a bonfire while thinking I boned Ken up all of my walls! Because hell yes, it IS frustrating! He's supposed to be thinking about Mina, and about his damn career and work and just mind his own business, because if he doesn't then I can't stop thinking about it either and then I can't concentrate on anything and no, actually the real reason that I'm upset is that I've met up with Mike, talked to him and all things went well and I barely felt a damn thing. Speaking of which...

Ow. My fingers. Damn me and my wanting to make it a perfect 'dinner' in front of an actual qualified cook. I wish I had somebody to slap some sense into me that actually sees the disasters I seem to be keen on doing beforehand and yank my collar back.

Oh god, this can't be happening. It's Michael. I used to drop dead with cardiac arrest whenever he flipped his hair. Now it's just... normal. What the hell is wrong with me?

And this fainting out - it's not as often I noticed, but when it happens I'm out for 20 minutes straight approx. And Ken kept dropping little clues I should get that checked, so I did - and guess what; CT-scans normal, pressure normal, blood good, no other symptoms - it's all in my head?

...

I don't know when Yamato'll be back, but I'm not going to depend on him, he'll be tired, stressed out and in need of some alone time with lover-boy, so no. No more, 'hey there emo-kid, what's with the long face'-bromance, no, but oh GOD. What the hell do I need to do to get up and feel alive again for half an hour at least? Get angry at my journal? Wow. I really do hate this journal it seems.

My fingers. Are. HURTING.

I'm serious, I need more practice with knife and slicing. I think I'm not touching the guitar for a long long while now... not that I would have, considering all the assignments I'm swarmed with. Oh god my final exams for the year are coming up soon, too. Deep breath, in-and-out and I'll be just fine. ^^;

That aside I have a New Year's resolution-come-late that's been cooking up for a while (and this one looks appetizing, I promise, sod my general cooking skills). I'm back to sticking post-it notes all over the inside of my wardrobe to not forget things, and my fridge looks like a small dictionary... hey, I've actually considered buying myself a board. Yes, the white ones, that they have in schools. I'd put it up... somewhere (hallway? My room? My study's too small...). That way I don't forget things. AND I want it magnetized, so I can scramble all my letters on it, of course. And fridge magnets. I think that would be neat.

Point being, I don't have a clue where to buy one. Any ideas?

So... I'm returning the favor. (That and I really should be typing up my final assignment of the year).

Feeling special yet? XP

PS: You gotten that Maltese yet?

I'm smiling.

You twit, how dare you make me forget about my worries for a change... I know you don't mean it, but it's okay. I suppose we all need a dream to follow.

Right, I'm going to call it a night and sleep tight, rest up and dig into books tomorrow again, to kick it off nicely for next week. Life goes on.

Hey, Ken.

I know you said you'd be busy with school this week, so I'm just leaving this here because it might be potentially important... and highly annoying. So sit tight.

Apparently Iori and Daisuke are banding up for some reason, my guess being us being "friends". They burned something down, a shed or old apartment or something - and they implied it's supposed to be some sort of revenge against us (tho I'm not even sure what the hell did they burn. What kind of a revenge is that? o_O). Daisuke implied I should ask you. Addressing you as 'my new boyfriend'. Well, he didn't specifically say it was you, but it involving Iori, I'm guessing as much. Not that I hang out with much of the others lately, either, exams and all. Care to enlighten me on the subject?

Just tell me one thing - this isn't some sort of scheme you might have planned? - and forgive me for thinking so, but I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind. I'd like to believe it isn't, and that you're man enough to achieve whatever goals you have without dirty tricks, because I know you can.

Look... I don't want to get mushy or jump to conclusions, but I suggest we figure this out and then try to keep them from burning other random bonfires in the middle of January and do serious damage - if they haven't already. I'm under the assumption Daisuke indirectly called us whores, which, all jokes aside, I don't think it's an accusation that stands, considering whatever happened between us, happened once, in August, under alcohol intoxication. I know we didn't really talk about it afterwards, but... well. For one, I think it sort of 'leveled our ground'. So, for better or worse, I think it's not a bad thing it happened. You've been coming over and staying here - which, I'll admit, made me feel better. Mostly because you don't ask the surplus questions everybody else does and because... you're okay. I like spending time with you, it keeps my brain from frying from the schoolwork. You also help when I black out, so...

So I'm not backing out of this. It might not mean much to you, but I will defend our names until whatever they're on blows the heck over.

Well, hello again, journal. Took me some time to get back on here, hasn't it? ^^; I guess... this journal is by now too full of memories, but I'm not sure wither I want them anymore. I'm reading back and... it doesn't feel like I've taken a path I was supposed to take from ever since back then...

I mean, it's not about school, and - it's not that I'm not grateful, or that I feel like I'm missing out, just... back then life seemed like such a vast and varied pathway and then suddenly I've already taken so many turns and passed so many crossings, cut out the opportunities I didn't take, that I maybe should have, and who knows - they might have been the best choices after all.

Still. It's a brand new decade. I'll be 19 this year... Is tarted writing this when I was 13... ^^; such a long time ago. Well! Still. No need to keep looking back, is there? I'm moving on, so I can truly say I mean it;

... Uhm... hello. Hi. ... ^^;
How's things lately, settling in okay with Miya? =)

Uhm. Actually that's not what I was gonna ask.

...

Hikari, you know how I sometimes need to talk to you because something's been driving me nuts for weeks?

Well this is one of those times.

Only this time it's really bad. Sort of. Not in per se', but it's the whole situation from the past that just makes it defy any kind of reason. I need to know you won't tell anyone about this, especially not Miya. I didn't want to ring you about it because I know you're busy and I know it might not be the right time so... I'll wait till you see this.

And know in advance that I'm really really sorry. X_X;

Dear journal,
I've been ignoring you. And I only have a semi valid reason.

Two days after my last post, when I decided I'm leaving the whole mess behind and just start anew... I sort of did. Sort of.

To be completely honest, I have no idea. And it's mostly all me, I'm completely fine having no idea. It's like I turned a brand new page. Because truly, why should I wallow in all these dramatic 'I should have' and 'I shouldn't haves', essentially - no past can be changed. So, might as well actually do what I feel like doing in a certain situation, there's nothing really stopping me now is it?

It's only sinking in now. I'm nearly 18 and a half, I've got my own place, eight essays done in four days say I'm doing good in school and I'm single free. Feels like the world just expanded the horizons, so why limit myself?

...

ohmygodIhadKenonmybed... No, okay, it's cool, no sweat. Not like it changes anything. Not like I couldn't see it coming. If people ever find out, I'm blaming Miya. >_> She was the one that opened the floodgates with that dare. As if. And where did all this pent up tension come from anyway, curiosity? Good thing we're not cats.

In my defense, I don't think Iori and him are dating, or at least that's what Ken made me believe. Not like it essentially makes matters differ; the day I fall in love with Ken would be the day I sign a death wish, in fluent cursive, with a silver ink-pen and golden-lined paper.

Still, Ken's okay. He presents a rather amusing intellectual challenge and the 'no-strings-attached' policy is rather welcome. So... whatever. I'll still hang out with him like I have lately. This can only be a big issue if somebody makes it such, which I'm not planning in the least.

... I feel better now. >_>

I should also stop taking the tag with me everywhere I go out of habit. I wonder how Dai is. I wish I could call, but I don't think I can talk to him right now.

... I hope Mike's okay. I can't call him either, not yet.

Denial is such a wonderful thing: I totally didn't do that. How many levels of wrong was that? I should never trust myself to go out with Ken alone ever again.

Right, urge to go back and hide my face under my pillow for the rest of the day life rising...

...

It was so awesome though. Not like he'll ever know I think so.

I hate you, Ichijouji.

Hello Tokyo, I'm home. I got a surprise welcome party consisting of Koemi sitting on the steps to my apartment with a whole bag of Breezers and vodka. What is it with people; I'm legal to drink and suddenly everyone wants me smashed drunk? All the time? XD

Nah, it was really sweet of him. I've already eaten dinner with mom on the way from the airport, but he insisted we make some pasta to go with the drinks and - surprise, surprise - we didn't burn anything. We drank and watched TV. There was first a concert on and then we just skimmed through random music videos. I remember him getting philosophical about the shape of the microphone. He invented a drinking game; we had to drink every time a singer looked like he was about to give oral gratification to it. I can't believe I played along... but in all honesty it made me wonder. Microphones could as well be shaped differently. They do give subliminal impulses if you pay attention to it...

Hence the hangover. I have yet to turn on my phone. And wake up Koemi, he said he wanted to be up by noon. He's crashed over on the couch, he's gonna have a major headache, might as well get him up now and pop some pills into him, the sooner the faster the effects 'll start kicking in.

France was... hot. Brooding. Confusing to a point and then full of answers and realizations I sort of had to come to, but wish I hadn't. I realized I need to be more me. I always knew I was a social person, that being with people made me feel good. Which also meant that having a boyfriend all this time gave a base that sort of made me... one half of a whole. Meaning I never got to figure who I was on my own. And even before the significant others came Yamato, he still does... it's like I'm dependent on people to feel good.

Being on my own, I sort of... got through a lot of stages I guess. Some sad, some bad, some... just me I guess. I tried to move through them slowly, writing a hand-note diary along the way, every day. I think I needed this time off.

Catherine helped a lot. She was like a conscience and support at the same time. I do love her, and she made me discover what kind of love it was. It wasn't the same kind of love I had for Mike or... Dai. They're all different. I suppose that's how it's supposed to be.

I tried to hang out with Dai, too. I mean, we were friends before, we can do this again. I think we did okay... it still sort of backfired when he suddenly mentioned Mina, but I never truly did anything to flirt with him. Sometimes it felt like he only did it out of his own insecurity...? I think i made him insecure. I didn't mean to. Whenever I felt like he was shrinking in, or leaning close without noticing, I turned away, smiled, said something unrelated. I dunno. Maybe it was a mistake to go with him to Milan. But I wanted to be there, it's a big decision for him. Double edged sword, I guess. It's good I'm home. He has to digest it all, settle his mind a bit and we'll be friends. Just like old times - we're going down a good road, I think. ^^

I'm better off putting this behind, too.

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, promised, I'm just in France with mom. No offense, I love my mom, but I haven's spent a summer holiday with just her in ages, probably since I was what, 14, 15? Ironic I get to do it again at 18. Seriously, I'm visiting all the places I used to hang out as a kid. And it feels... well, lame. :/ Grandmaman even said I should be in bed before 11PM (at which mom had the grace to laugh at me, btw). I don't think I'll ever be considered adult with them, sucks being the youngest kid in a traditional French family. Also because, apparently even though I'm not mature enough to be out after 11PM, according to all my aunts, I still really should get married and have kids soon. O_O Somebody dissect this logic for me, please... *not amused*

Either way, I have been hanging out normally like I would have in Tokyo - my room's on the ground floor and I told mom I was not about to obey said curfew, of course. I've been partying with Catherine on weekends, took walks, hung out... but only after 5PM. Lord so help me it's insanely hot here. I've never been too fond of too high temperatures, but this year... it just kills me. I'd peel my skin down it's so hot some days... I miss my apartment and its air-conditioning. x_x

Speaking of which, Dai's been really helpful. Not without poking fun of me for it, but! I eventually went to say hi to the bar he works at whenever I was in town on errands. It so happens my grandmother likes to remember she forgot this or that for lunch and proceeds to point out how I'm young and healthy and won't I be a dear and go fetch her this or that from the store. Of course I go, every time - she'd have a stroke if she went herself! Point being tho, that this always happens to be in the worst heat of the day. Meaning Dai got to see me dying and stealing an ice-cube or two a day to last me on the way back.

Which was why he one Wednesday woke me up at approximately 5:30AM and told me we're going to the beach cuz he was sick of my moaning how hot it is. I thought he was joking. But by 6AM he came rattling at my window. So I had to pack my swimwear, towel, wallet and bell-cap (Mimi you have no idea how much I love you for it, it's a lifesaver) and ride the bike down to the beach. Which was actually quite nice of him. Save the part when he hefted me up, said bell-cap and sunglasses still on and all, and threw me into the sea like a rag doll.

Anyways, I'm at his place now, waiting for people to show up; He's mailed me earlier today that he got a call from Parma so we're supposed to be celebrating? I hope you guys turn up, we got wine and pizza and croissants for later. =)

Hope everyone else's enjoying summer. =) I should be back in Japan by the 25th.

I'm just gonna leave this right here...



;P

Two weeks ago I would have maybe posted this instead.

I'm okay.
I'm good.
I'm still here.
Life goes on.
I love my college.
I've got exams and a play to prepare for.
Patamon's here, we talked, it's all good.
Iori's back.
Steve is okay.
Hikari's my guiding light.
Miyako makes me smile, always.
Catherine makes me feel like I'm worth something, as a person.
Mimi's fashion coaching makes sure I feel good in my skin.
Dai is... happy. Or is on his way there. And Ai-chan is adorable.
Mina is wonderful for him, she really loves him.
Jun... her acceptance means the world to me.
Koemi's set on making me liven up.
I'm not alone.
I don't see Mike's flirting comments to Ken.
I don't see his face over and over again when he told me that-...
...
I'm okay.
I'm good.
And I'm repeating this until I'll believe it. Because everybody else believes in me and I don't want to let them down.
So I'm okay.
I'm good.
I'm still here.
Life goes on...

I had no idea I had so many. xD Hikari eventually takes them of me and I don't even know. =) I figured out only now that I can actually have a gallery on here, I had no idea... I suck. Some of these are old, but they were all made this year.


Chewy. Yeah.
... me chewing my fingernails. Thanks for immortalizing this, Hikari.



Pink suits you <3
I told Hikari I wanted to scroll through the pictures she did at a crossing, but I really took a picture of her. From the back. Next time turn! XD You're beautiful, I want pictures of you! ^^


Cloudy forecast?
Man. I look like a storm. XD Taken before Jyou's party; I was worried, all the organizing...


KOEMI YOU COPYCAT
I said I was getting an iPhone first, honest. (Made this Wednesday)


Juliet, oh Juliet~!
Kari was like: "You look like a Romeo from down there, look up somewhere over there!"
me: *wtf grinning* "Where? ... there?"
Kari: *snap* "Purrfect!" <3

I have lots more in the gallery. <3 Hikari you're amazing at pictures, not that I don't always tell you this.

BTW, Wednesday was rather nice. ^^ I had no idea so many of you were coming, but it was a pleasant surprise, we should do it more often! Koemi said he'll tell me next when his friend's on the bouncer job, so we can get in no problem again. I was really pleased tho, we went out to have fun and... correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we all got just that (dont' you go denying it, Ken, I saw you, sexy)? Also, Catherine. We need to dance more often. Did you see, when we got into it, people just gave us room and stared. Tho I think it was more about you being breathtaking, actually <3... I think the girls we brought in were the light of the party. Mimi - hands down. That was the most amazing I ever saw you look, and that's saying something. Not that Sora nad Mina were far behind, and I'm not just saying this. Koemi insists you're all welcome to come again anytime~ xD Next time, even the rest of you are coming along alright? C'mon it's summer! If we dont' party now, when will we? =)

Also, sorry I got tipsy at the end. Koemi was exaggerating - I didn't need to be carried, that was embarassing. Also, Thank you for staying with me till the next day, Catherine. ^^ You're wecome to stay anytime. ^^ I promise next time I won't sleep in? Also, I can't cook for the life of me and that's a fact, but figuring out brakfast was fun. Do you remeber how we did those toasts and what we put in them? Because they were rather good. Hah. XD

I'm getting a hold of my life again and it feels good. I really needed to go out and talk with all of you. So thank you. Especially you Dai. Thank you for showing up early. Is Ai-chan okay? ^^ Also; I talked to Patamon and we're good. He's still here with me, he says hi to everyone.

And Hikari? You're my ray of light. I love you <3
You know why.

I'm taking Koemi-senpai on his invitation to the student's party on campus, and I'm allowed to ship in people. Anybody else coming?

Yamato, I wanna talk to you...?

I've been up for 33 hours now, new record.

...

-- Psalm 144:3-4 --
O Lord, what is man that you care for him,
the son of man that you think of him?

Man is like a breath;
his days are like a fleeting shadow.
(David)

...?

Edit:


... I wish.

What is this feeling where all I wanted to do was sleep through the rest of my life till things fix themselves? It feels like buying time, buying distractions, buying a life until it all blows over. I can't believe half the things that happened last Friday, they're insane.

The day started okay, I got Catherine ported over in time for lunch, though it was really early for her. I got her out at school, out of the computer that's in the blind spot of the cameras. I was surprised when she asked to come earlier, we haven't really hung out since the whole... breakup with Daisuke. The time I went over to France to help Dai get acclimatised to the new place was a first step back maybe, but it being just her and me... that hasn't happened since the time she stayed over for her exchange period.

I took her out to eat first. She needed some breakfast, and the cafe' next to the park, with all the blooming flowers was a nice thing to wake up to fully (even if she looked peachy as always, a little pampering never hurt a girl, right?). It was nice and sunny, even thought they did announce it might rain. I was hoping the weather would hold till the next day at least... and it did. It wasn't till Saturday afternoon that it really started pouring.

I called Yamato on the way home, he was out buying the camp torches and said he'd eat something and come over later to practice. Once home, I let Catherine in first and... yeah. I really shouldn't have left that message on my fridge. I came after her in the kitchen with her being really careful and meticulous about the bag she was depositing, and then I turned and saw she was purposely keeping her back to the fridge, waiting for me to scramble the letters. I did, hastily. I scooped a handful of them off, at random, and dropped them into the bowl on the fridge. Nevertheless, I think she knows Michael and I are... I don't know what we are. I want him back though. I wish he was here.

... so I told Catherine to go lay down if she wanted, that I needed to check if my classmate had sent me the tabs I was missing. Which is what I've been practicing till Yamato came. Catherine sat with us when we all practiced, it was refreshing to have her there. I can't say I wasn't worried about the evening; all the tension between the people that were coming... some my own, some next-to my own, some that would become my own, no doubt... I wondered how Yamato was going to handle it. Was he going to tell everyone about Jyou and him? Even in front of Taichi? How much of a sore spot was Tai for him still, anyway? It doesn't help that I know Koushiro likes Tai, as well... or has, at least. I wonder if he told him... and Sora? Sora and Yamato, way back then--

*sighs* We whipped some snacks later in the afternoon, right before going. I like how Yamato and Catherine get along, they get good vibes going and pulled me along. It was nice, being with them. I called Ken then, too. I told him we could drive him. I don't want him cast out, actually. I don't think he's half a threat he used to be, and even if he was - it's best to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right? I noticed we actually connect... and I don't think he's faking it. I think I make him nervous to a point sometimes, or at least uncomfortable, but it could really be just my impression. He's always completely composed and aloof, but he's still tagging alongside me anyway and actually hung out around me most of the evening. I think it freaks people out that we get along... but I actually never had a doubt we would, deep down. After all, we fell in love with Daisuke for the same reasons, just used different approaches... that's plenty of common ground to stand on. After all, falling in love takes all of oneself, doesn't it?

I actually ended up kissing Ken. Because Miyako told him to. I think she was drunk and miffed that I loaded her on my shoulder and carried her back and told her and Ken to stop bickering, when she stormed off after a really nasty remark. I thought she had had her revenge when she pulled me into the sea after I went to get her a towel... yeah that was rather evil. After a good collection of people suddenly decided skinny dipping int he middle of the night was a good idea (I stayed back with Catherine at the time, trying to watch the moon int he sky, instead of the ones flashing all over the beach) I figured she was drunk and alcohol helps drop the temperature lower, so I got a towel and went to get her out. But when I offered a hand, she just pulled on it and I lost my footing. Turned out she did it for a reason though. After I surfaced, she asked me what was wrong and wanted me to spill. We talked a bit, I didn't go into huge details, but... yeah, I don't know. I don't see her that way, but her being naked next to me kind of did get me flushed. I got her to wrap herself in the soaked towel on her way out though anyway. And thankfully I had brought a change of clothes thinking it would rain, so I went to change, too.

To be honest, I was surprised Tatum came. I actually don't know what the deal with Michael and her is, nor do I really wanna fight over it. In the end, it's not up to us, no matter how much it hurts. I didn't really feel up to... exaggerating and being forcefully friendly with her; we don't need to be friends for Michael's sake, it's not through some dirty shortcuts that I want him to be with me. I think the only time I... sort of directly 'talked' to her, was during the song I... suppose I sung for Mike. I suppose, because he wasn't there. Why do I keep repeating this? It won't magically change the past and make him be there. Here. Anywhere. I still believe that friendship is valuable... but when you have two people potentially wanting to be together in a more meaningful way, shouldn't it be up to them? Does Michael want this to be between us? Does he want her to have a say in this? Does he even want anything anymore from me? Please make him want it, please make him want me, please... I don't care if Yamato thinks he's an ass, I don't mind looking the other way when Daisuke... makes me think he still cares - just like Dai, I want to live, to start anew, to make things right again by being true to myself...

So what happened was, I kissed Ken. It didn't feel... romantic, at all. He sort of evokes in me that unspoken sort of rivalry Daisuke used to ignite, back in the days. He makes me feel challenged and in need to prove myself, it's like he keeps constant watch. Which to some might sound awful, but at this point, it's been one of the whys I was able to pull myself through the night. Because on his watch, I don't leave openings. And he's the only one that virtually doesn't seem to care about any of my problems, so, by him, I can forget they're there. And kissing him was... fun. Challenging. And highly controversial, I don't think anybody expected us to, ever. I think Miyako was actually counting on Ken chickening out? Either way, I think we're not done putting on shows, they're easy to do; especially because I can see it in Ken's eyes that he doesn't really regard me in that way, either, probably never will because of everything that happened, and it's a soothing feeling. He knows I know he knows. That I'm not doing it for him, nor really for me, but a bit for everyone to find their stand and get along, ultimately. I don't know how else to explain it.

A heartfelt relief came for another thing tho; from my kiss to Catherine. I feel like I'm worth something when I'm with her, she always looks at me with respect and a silent, accepting sort of admiration. I've always loved her for that. Sora'll sometimes yell at me and then hug me and is usually just like a second mom to me and has the most amazing boobs, btw, and I shouldn't really think this, but it's not like I'm not entitled to notice..., Miyako I can handle from whichever end, she's the most straight-forward and resilient, Hikari I'd do anything for and she knows this.... but Catherine's always been this person who I think looked up to me. It's for her that I always wanted to be at my best, to give her a reason to look my way. It thought she never would again, after Dai and I broke up, but... she surprised me. She let me kiss her, cupped my face and asked. It felt like a dejavu' because seven years back I had been dreaming she would do this exact thing. I was crushing on her for a long time, over a year probably, before her being in France and being... so wonderful had me think it just really wasn't meant to be. I was nervous, and Dai, seeing me, was nervous for and with me because he didn't know why and I didn't want to tell him that I got my first love blown and gave him cannon fodder to feel superior. It seems silly now that I look back, but it was such a big issue at the time being. So Daisuke started to show me he cared, that he was annoyed with me and we fought, sometimes really badly. But because he showed he was trying to breech to me, Hikari was able to see this side of him, this huge heart he has, and told me she likes him and... I figured somewhere along the way, me being the one he so often showed he cared for, if with fists and shouting, that I noticed this big heart he has and fell in love with it too.

It used to be so horrible, at first. It was such a big revelation, too big for me. I ran and hid and hoped it would blow over, but he came for me, again. Ironically, it took me over four years to blow over. And now I see him with Mina and, it does hurt, but he'll be okay. I think he was meant for someone like her, somebody who will rely in him and let him protect them, who will let him build a family and show him life can be wonderful, somebody who can smile at the problems that come crashing onto their path, just like he can.

I used to... hope I'd one day be with someone like that. Maybe part of the why I let Daisuke go was the fact that I knew I was not--... that I couldn't smile up at the sky and take life as it came, appreciate the little things, never doubt, like she can. I thought I'd grown into somebody colder, somebody who questioned what life was all about, even if he gave so many answers... and I still think I have. I do have some hope left though.

Please, Michael. Be my hope. Let's make this work. You're all I've got.


Do you know,
Do you know?

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

If birds flying South is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year
Love, you never know the minute it ends,
Suddenly, I can’t get it to speak.

Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes till I see something about me
I’m standing on the edge and I don’t know what else to give

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

How can I love you, how can I love you?
How can I love you, how can I love you...
If you just don’t talk to me, babe?

I flow through my act, there's a question: "is she needed?"
Another side of a man I cannot be
Looking at the last 3 years like I did
I could never see us ending like this...

Seeing your face no more on my pillow
It's a scene that's never happened to me
But after this episode I now see
You could never tell how the next day of life could be

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

Do you know,
Do you know,
Do you know?

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

Because it is. Time takes time to think about. It also takes time to pass.

I don't know where my head has been all this last while. I turn pages of books, of words written to mean something, to be timeless, but all I do is turn them around and wallow behind. So many things have happened I don't where to begin.

Yamato's fallen in love again. I think. He looks it. He lives it. He sings it. It's been kind of... awkward with Jyou and him in the beginning. The look in their eyes when they first saw each other in the morning was... 'is it real? Can we do this?' And they can. I think so anyway. At first Yamato drew back like he usually does. He's afraid to be hurt, it's instinctive... but Jyou was patient, paranoid, but oh so patient. I think it was worth it. Since then Yamato's come alive. I don't think I've seen him like this since--... he still draws back, but Jyou's there. Panicking sometimes, calling me randomly and apologizing for the hour, but I don't mind. I want it to work out for them. I do know Yamato loved Taichi with all himself but... I don't know what went wrong there. Even then I only ever wanted him to smile. To find that perfect love that mom and dad lost. That spark of something we both seem to be looking for - I think it's why we stick together like we do. We don't know what love was supposed to be like, it's like deep down we believe in this ideal version of it that real life seems devoid of. I hope he's found it now.

He's been by today, brought me the tabs he's chosen to sing Friday for Jyou to. I sat back after class and smiled at them. It's not a very explicit song - Yamato always speaks between the lines, but it's beautiful. Makes me wish somebody would sing it for me... but Mike would never do that. Mike's not even here.

...

Enough about Mike. Mike's not the center of my universe. I have a life. I can do this.

...

Steve is sick. I was over Sunday, after I visited Miya I stopped by him too for a while till Taichi and Koushiro came back. He told me... Mike and him dated. That he still loves Mike. I don't know how I feel about that. When I look at Steve and see him so devoid of confidence and struggling to be positive it makes me think that's what I headed for, too. What have I done? To Dai, to me?

No, I know what this is about. Yesterday night Daisuke told me about Mina. She's being abused and she needs help, urgently. She needs him and he - he said he loved her. I told him to tell her, to make her feel loved. It seemed the right thing to say, but it's screaming back at me now loud enough to make me loose my footing. I thought I know where I stand, but nothing seems to make sense now. The logic of it all IS there, but the 'ifs' and 'maybes' are all over the place, like scattered photographs of memories that all looked to amount to disaster. Just like Yamato, I want to run away. Somewhere far away. But I feel alone as it is, even with my closest friends nearby? How does this make any sense?

"Love is missing someone in a room full of people" ~ where do I remember this quote from now?

...

Mike. Again it's all about Mike. I need to get over this. I'm not 13 and in love for the first time. He'll be back, he'll smile, he'll tell me he's sorry and kiss me and I'll forget everything again. I want to. It's a never ending story. And every time he goes my throat tightens a bit more. I watch him go and think; how long? How many days will it take till I see him again? I tell him I love him far more times than I told Daisuke. Why doesn't it seem to mean as much to him?

... shit, this is getting me nowhere. Where did it all burst from, I just wanted to write about Yamato and Jyou, about the tabs, about how Steve feels a bit better, about Miya, about Dai falling in love...

Well fuck this. I'm done writing. I've lost too much time on this anyway.