高石　タケル

[closed - Hikari]

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 14:49:58 GMT

... Uhm... hello. Hi. ... ^^;
How's things lately, settling in okay with Miya? =)

Uhm. Actually that's not what I was gonna ask.

...

Hikari, you know how I sometimes need to talk to you because something's been driving me nuts for weeks?

Well this is one of those times.

Only this time it's really bad. Sort of. Not in per se', but it's the whole situation from the past that just makes it defy any kind of reason. I need to know you won't tell anyone about this, especially not Miya. I didn't want to ring you about it because I know you're busy and I know it might not be the right time so... I'll wait till you see this.

And know in advance that I'm really really sorry. X_X;

[private] - Dedication takes a lifetime, but Dreams only last for a night

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 06:43:02 GMT

Dear journal,
I've been ignoring you. And I only have a semi valid reason.

Two days after my last post, when I decided I'm leaving the whole mess behind and just start anew... I sort of did. Sort of.

To be completely honest, I have no idea. And it's mostly all me, I'm completely fine having no idea. It's like I turned a brand new page. Because truly, why should I wallow in all these dramatic 'I should have' and 'I shouldn't haves', essentially - no past can be changed. So, might as well actually do what I feel like doing in a certain situation, there's nothing really stopping me now is it?

It's only sinking in now. I'm nearly 18 and a half, I've got my own place, eight essays done in four days say I'm doing good in school and I'm ~~single~~ free. Feels like the world just expanded the horizons, so why limit myself?

...

~~ohmygodIhadKenonmybed...~~ No, okay, it's cool, no sweat. Not like it changes anything. Not like I couldn't see it coming. If people ever find out, I'm blaming Miya. >_> She was the one that opened the floodgates with that dare. As if. And where did all this pent up tension come from anyway, curiosity? Good thing we're not cats.

In my defense, I don't think Iori and him are dating, or at least that's what Ken made me believe. Not like it essentially makes matters differ; the day I fall in love with Ken would be the day I sign a death wish, in fluent cursive, with a silver ink-pen and golden-lined paper.

Still, Ken's okay. He presents a rather amusing intellectual challenge and the 'no-strings-attached' policy is rather welcome. So... whatever. I'll still hang out with him like I have lately. This can only be a big issue if somebody makes it such, which I'm not planning in the least.

... I feel better now. >_>

~~I should also stop taking the tag with me everywhere I go out of habit.~~ I wonder how Dai is. I wish I could call, but I don't think I can talk to him right now.

... ~~I hope Mike's okay. I can't call him either, not yet.~~

HOT.

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 18:07:53 GMT

I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth, promised, I'm just in France with mom. No offense, I love my mom, but I haven's spent a summer holiday with just her in ages, probably since I was what, 14, 15? Ironic I get to do it again at 18. Seriously, I'm visiting all the places I used to hang out as a kid. And it feels... well, lame. :/ Grandmaman even said I should be in bed before 11PM (at which mom had the grace to laugh at me, btw). I don't think I'll ever be considered adult with them, sucks being the youngest kid in a traditional French family. Also because, apparently even though I'm not mature enough to be out after 11PM, according to all my aunts, I still really should get married and have kids soon. O_O Somebody dissect this logic for me, please... *not amused*

Either way, I have been hanging out normally like I would have in Tokyo - my room's on the ground floor and I told mom I was not about to obey said curfew, of course. I've been partying with Catherine on weekends, took walks, hung out... but only after 5PM. Lord so help me it's insanely hot here. I've never been too fond of too high temperatures, but this year... it just kills me. I'd peel my skin down it's so hot some days... I miss my apartment and its air-conditioning. x_x

Speaking of which, Dai's been really helpful. Not without poking fun of me for it, but! I eventually went to say hi to the bar he works at whenever I was in town on errands. It so happens my grandmother likes to remember she forgot this or that for lunch and proceeds to point out how I'm young and healthy and won't I be a dear and go fetch her this or that from the store. Of course I go, every time - she'd have a stroke if she went herself! Point being tho, that this always happens to be in the worst heat of the day. Meaning Dai got to see me dying and stealing an ice-cube or two a day to last me on the way back.

Which was why he one Wednesday woke me up at approximately 5:30AM and told me we're going to the beach cuz he was sick of my moaning how hot it is. I thought he was joking. But by 6AM he came rattling at my window. So I had to pack my swimwear, towel, wallet and bell-cap (Mimi you have no idea how much I love you for it, it's a lifesaver) and ride the bike down to the beach. Which was actually quite nice of him. Save the part when he hefted me up, said bell-cap and sunglasses still on and all, and threw me into the sea like a rag doll.

Anyways, I'm at his place now, waiting for people to show up; He's mailed me earlier today that he got a call from Parma so we're supposed to be celebrating? I hope you guys turn up, we got wine and pizza and croissants for later. =)

Hope everyone else's enjoying summer. =) I should be back in Japan by the 25th.

Things we think but don't say...

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 15:44:08 GMT

I'm just gonna leave this right here...

;P

~~Two weeks ago I would have maybe posted this instead.~~

[private] - I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay... Okay?

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:34:02 GMT

I'm okay.
I'm good.
I'm still here.
Life goes on.
I love my college.
I've got exams and a play to prepare for.
Patamon's here, we talked, it's all good.
Iori's back.
Steve is okay.
Hikari's my guiding light.
Miyako makes me smile, always.
Catherine makes me feel like I'm worth something, as a person.
Mimi's fashion coaching makes sure I feel good in my skin.
Dai is... happy. Or is on his way there. And Ai-chan is adorable.
Mina is wonderful for him, she really loves him.
Jun... her acceptance means the world to me.
Koemi's set on making me liven up.
I'm not alone.
I don't see Mike's flirting comments to Ken.
I don't see his face over and over again when he told me that-...
...
I'm okay.
I'm good.
And I'm repeating this until I'll believe it. Because everybody else believes in me and I don't want to let them down.
So I'm okay.
I'm good.
I'm still here.
Life goes on...

Pictures!

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 17:12:24 GMT

I had no idea I had so many. xD Hikari eventually takes them of me and I don't even know. =) I figured out only now that I can actually have a gallery on here, I had no idea... ~~I suck.~~ Some of these are old, but they were all made this year.

Chewy. Yeah.
... me chewing my fingernails. Thanks for immortalizing this, Hikari.

Pink suits you <3
I told Hikari I wanted to scroll through the pictures she did at a crossing, but I really took a picture of her. From the back. Next time turn! XD You're beautiful, I want pictures of you! ^^

Cloudy forecast?
Man. I look like a storm. XD Taken before Jyou's party; I was worried, all the organizing...

KOEMI YOU COPYCAT
I said I was getting an iPhone first, honest. (Made this Wednesday)

Juliet, oh Juliet~!
Kari was like: "You look like a Romeo from down there, look up somewhere over there!"
me: *wtf grinning* "Where? ... there?"
Kari: *snap* "Purrfect!" <3

I have lots more in the gallery. <3 Hikari you're amazing at pictures, not that I don't always tell you this.

BTW, Wednesday was rather nice. ^^ I had no idea so many of you were coming, but it was a pleasant surprise, we should do it more often! Koemi said he'll tell me next when his friend's on the bouncer job, so we can get in no problem again. I was really pleased tho, we went out to have fun and... correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we all got just that ~~(dont' you go denying it, Ken, I saw you, sexy)~~? Also, Catherine. We need to dance more often. Did you see, when we got into it, people just gave us room and stared. Tho I think it was more about you being breathtaking, actually <3... I think the girls we brought in were the light of the party. Mimi - hands down. That was the most amazing I ever saw you look, and that's saying something. Not that Sora nad Mina were far behind, and I'm not just saying this. Koemi insists you're all welcome to come again anytime~ xD Next time, even the rest of you are coming along alright? C'mon it's summer! If we dont' party now, when will we? =)

Also, sorry I got tipsy at the end. Koemi was exaggerating - I didn't need to be carried, that was embarassing. Also, Thank you for staying with me till the next day, Catherine. ^^ You're wecome to stay anytime. ^^ I promise next time I won't sleep in? Also, I can't cook for the life of me and that's a fact, but figuring out brakfast was fun. Do you remeber how we did those toasts and what we put in them? Because they were rather good. Hah. XD

I'm getting a hold of my life again and it feels good. I really needed to go out and talk with all of you. So thank you. Especially you Dai. Thank you for showing up early. Is Ai-chan okay? ^^ Also; I talked to Patamon and we're good. He's still here with me, he says hi to everyone.

And Hikari? You're my ray of light. I love you <3
You know why.

Wednesday night out, anyone?

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 21:12:47 GMT

I'm taking Koemi-senpai on his invitation to the student's party on campus, and I'm allowed to ship in people. Anybody else coming?

~~Yamato, I wanna talk to you...?~~

~~I've been up for 33 hours now, new record.~~

[private] - You and who?

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 07:48:25 GMT

...

-- Psalm 144:3-4 --
O Lord, what is man that you care for him,
the son of man that you think of him?

Man is like a breath;
his days are like a fleeting shadow.
(David)

...?

Edit:

... I wish.

[private] - Old tales with no endings, just a song to fade to.

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 10:57:26 GMT

What is this feeling where all I wanted to do was sleep through the rest of my life till things fix themselves? It feels like buying time, buying distractions, buying a life until it all blows over. I can't believe half the things that happened last Friday, they're insane.

The day started okay, I got Catherine ported over in time for lunch, though it was really early for her. I got her out at school, out of the computer that's in the blind spot of the cameras. I was surprised when she asked to come earlier, we haven't really hung out since the whole... breakup with Daisuke. The time I went over to France to help Dai get acclimatised to the new place was a first step back maybe, but it being just her and me... that hasn't happened since the time she stayed over for her exchange period.

I took her out to eat first. She needed some breakfast, and the cafe' next to the park, with all the blooming flowers was a nice thing to wake up to fully (even if she looked peachy as always, a little pampering never hurt a girl, right?). It was nice and sunny, even thought they did announce it might rain. I was hoping the weather would hold till the next day at least... and it did. It wasn't till Saturday afternoon that it really started pouring.

I called Yamato on the way home, he was out buying the camp torches and said he'd eat something and come over later to practice. Once home, I let Catherine in first and... yeah. I really shouldn't have left that message on my fridge. I came after her in the kitchen with her being really careful and meticulous about the bag she was depositing, and then I turned and saw she was purposely keeping her back to the fridge, waiting for me to scramble the letters. I did, hastily. I scooped a handful of them off, at random, and dropped them into the bowl on the fridge. Nevertheless, I think she knows Michael and I are... I don't know what we are. I want him back though. I wish he was here.

... so I told Catherine to go lay down if she wanted, that I needed to check if my classmate had sent me the tabs I was missing. Which is what I've been practicing till Yamato came. Catherine sat with us when we all practiced, it was refreshing to have her there. I can't say I wasn't worried about the evening; all the tension between the people that were coming... some my own, some next-to my own, some that would become my own, no doubt... I wondered how Yamato was going to handle it. Was he going to tell everyone about Jyou and him? Even in front of Taichi? How much of a sore spot was Tai for him still, anyway? It doesn't help that I know Koushiro likes Tai, as well... or has, at least. I wonder if he told him... and Sora? Sora and Yamato, way back then--

*sighs* We whipped some snacks later in the afternoon, right before going. I like how Yamato and Catherine get along, they get good vibes going and pulled me along. It was nice, being with them. I called Ken then, too. I told him we could drive him. I don't want him cast out, actually. I don't think he's half a threat he used to be, and even if he was - it's best to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right? I noticed we actually connect... and I don't think he's faking it. I think I make him nervous to a point sometimes, or at least uncomfortable, but it could really be just my impression. He's always completely composed and aloof, but he's still tagging alongside me anyway and actually hung out around me most of the evening. I think it freaks people out that we get along... but I actually never had a doubt we would, deep down. After all, we fell in love with Daisuke for the same reasons, just used different approaches... that's plenty of common ground to stand on. After all, falling in love takes all of oneself, doesn't it?

I actually ended up kissing Ken. Because Miyako told him to. I think she was drunk and miffed that I loaded her on my shoulder and carried her back and told her and Ken to stop bickering, when she stormed off after a really nasty remark. I thought she had had her revenge when she pulled me into the sea after I went to get her a towel... yeah that was rather evil. After a good collection of people suddenly decided skinny dipping int he middle of the night was a good idea (I stayed back with Catherine at the time, trying to watch the moon int he sky, instead of the ones flashing all over the beach) I figured she was drunk and alcohol helps drop the temperature lower, so I got a towel and went to get her out. But when I offered a hand, she just pulled on it and I lost my footing. Turned out she did it for a reason though. After I surfaced, she asked me what was wrong and wanted me to spill. We talked a bit, I didn't go into huge details, but... yeah, I don't know. I don't see her that way, but her being naked next to me kind of did get me flushed. I got her to wrap herself in the soaked towel on her way out though anyway. And thankfully I had brought a change of clothes thinking it would rain, so I went to change, too.

To be honest, I was surprised Tatum came. I actually don't know what the deal with Michael and her is, nor do I really wanna fight over it. In the end, it's not up to us, no matter how much it hurts. I didn't really feel up to... exaggerating and being forcefully friendly with her; we don't need to be friends for Michael's sake, it's not through some dirty shortcuts that I want him to be with me. I think the only time I... sort of directly 'talked' to her, was during the song I... suppose I sung for Mike. I suppose, because he wasn't there. Why do I keep repeating this? It won't magically change the past and make him be there. Here. Anywhere. I still believe that friendship is valuable... but when you have two people potentially wanting to be together in a more meaningful way, shouldn't it be up to them? Does Michael want this to be between us? Does he want her to have a say in this? Does he even want anything anymore from me? ~~Please make him want it, please make him want me, please...~~ I don't care if Yamato thinks he's an ass, I don't mind looking the other way when Daisuke... makes me think he still cares - just like Dai, I want to live, to start anew, to make things right again by being true to myself...

So what happened was, I kissed Ken. It didn't feel... romantic, at all. He sort of evokes in me that unspoken sort of rivalry Daisuke used to ignite, back in the days. He makes me feel challenged and in need to prove myself, it's like he keeps constant watch. Which to some might sound awful, but at this point, it's been one of the whys I was able to pull myself through the night. Because on his watch, I don't leave openings. And he's the only one that virtually doesn't seem to care about any of my problems, so, by him, I can forget they're there. And kissing him was... fun. Challenging. And highly controversial, I don't think anybody expected us to, ever. I think Miyako was actually counting on Ken chickening out? Either way, I think we're not done putting on shows, they're easy to do; especially because I can see it in Ken's eyes that he doesn't really regard me in that way, either, probably never will because of everything that happened, and it's a soothing feeling. He knows I know he knows. That I'm not doing it for him, nor really for me, but a bit for everyone to find their stand and get along, ultimately. I don't know how else to explain it.

A heartfelt relief came for another thing tho; from my kiss to Catherine. I feel like I'm worth something when I'm with her, she always looks at me with respect and a silent, accepting sort of admiration. I've always loved her for that. Sora'll sometimes yell at me and then hug me and is usually just like a second mom to me ~~and has the most amazing boobs, btw, and I shouldn't really think this, but it's not like I'm not entitled to notice...~~, Miyako I can handle from whichever end, she's the most straight-forward and resilient, Hikari I'd do anything for and she knows this.... but Catherine's always been this person who I think looked up to me. It's for her that I always wanted to be at my best, to give her a reason to look my way. It thought she never would again, after Dai and I broke up, but... she surprised me. She let me kiss her, cupped my face and asked. It felt like a dejavu' because seven years back I had been dreaming she would do this exact thing. I was crushing on her for a long time, over a year probably, before her being in France and being... so wonderful had me think it just really wasn't meant to be. I was nervous, and Dai, seeing me, was nervous for and with me because he didn't know why and I didn't want to tell him that I got my first love blown and gave him cannon fodder to feel superior. It seems silly now that I look back, but it was such a big issue at the time being. So Daisuke started to show me he cared, that he was annoyed with me and we fought, sometimes really badly. But because he showed he was trying to breech to me, Hikari was able to see this side of him, this huge heart he has, and told me she likes him and... I figured somewhere along the way, me being the one he so often showed he cared for, if with fists and shouting, that I noticed this big heart he has and fell in love with it too.

It used to be so horrible, at first. It was such a big revelation, too big for me. I ran and hid and hoped it would blow over, but he came for me, again. Ironically, it took me over four years to blow over. And now I see him with Mina and, it does hurt, but he'll be okay. I think he was meant for someone like her, somebody who will rely in him and let him protect them, who will let him build a family and show him life can be wonderful, somebody who can smile at the problems that come crashing onto their path, just like he can.

I used to... hope I'd one day be with someone like that. Maybe part of the why I let Daisuke go was the fact that I knew I was not--... that I couldn't smile up at the sky and take life as it came, appreciate the little things, never doubt, like she can. I thought I'd grown into somebody colder, somebody who questioned what life was all about, even if he gave so many answers... and I still think I have. I do have some hope left though.

Please, Michael. Be my hope. Let's make this work. You're all I've got.

Do you know,
Do you know?

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

If birds flying South is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year
Love, you never know the minute it ends,
Suddenly, I can’t get it to speak.

Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes till I see something about me
I’m standing on the edge and I don’t know what else to give

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

How can I love you, how can I love you?
How can I love you, how can I love you...
If you just don’t talk to me, babe?

I flow through my act, there's a question: "is she needed?"
Another side of a man I cannot be
Looking at the last 3 years like I did
I could never see us ending like this...

Seeing your face no more on my pillow
It's a scene that's never happened to me
But after this episode I now see
You could never tell how the next day of life could be

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

Do you know,
Do you know,
Do you know?

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

[private] - The concept of Time is elusive.

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:32:18 GMT

Because it is. Time takes time to think about. It also takes time to pass.

I don't know where my head has been all this last while. I turn pages of books, of words written to mean something, to be timeless, but all I do is turn them around and wallow behind. So many things have happened I don't where to begin.

Yamato's fallen in love again. I think. He looks it. He lives it. He sings it. It's been kind of... awkward with Jyou and him in the beginning. The look in their eyes when they first saw each other in the morning was... 'is it real? Can we do this?' And they can. I think so anyway. At first Yamato drew back like he usually does. He's afraid to be hurt, it's instinctive... but Jyou was patient, paranoid, but oh so patient. I think it was worth it. Since then Yamato's come alive. I don't think I've seen him like this since--... he still draws back, but Jyou's there. Panicking sometimes, calling me randomly and apologizing for the hour, but I don't mind. I want it to work out for them. I do know Yamato loved Taichi with all himself but... I don't know what went wrong there. Even then I only ever wanted him to smile. To find that perfect love that mom and dad lost. That spark of something we both seem to be looking for - I think it's why we stick together like we do. We don't know what love was supposed to be like, it's like deep down we believe in this ideal version of it that real life seems devoid of. I hope he's found it now.

He's been by today, brought me the tabs he's chosen to sing Friday for Jyou to. I sat back after class and smiled at them. It's not a very explicit song - Yamato always speaks between the lines, but it's beautiful. Makes me wish somebody would sing it for me... but Mike would never do that. Mike's not even here.

...

Enough about Mike. Mike's not the center of my universe. I have a life. I can do this.

...

Steve is sick. I was over Sunday, after I visited Miya I stopped by him too for a while till Taichi and Koushiro came back. He told me... Mike and him dated. That he still loves Mike. I don't know how I feel about that. When I look at Steve and see him so devoid of confidence and struggling to be positive it makes me think that's what I headed for, too. What have I done? To Dai, to me?

No, I know what this is about. Yesterday night Daisuke told me about Mina. She's being abused and she needs help, urgently. She needs him and he - he said he loved her. I told him to tell her, to make her feel loved. It seemed the right thing to say, but it's screaming back at me now loud enough to make me loose my footing. I thought I know where I stand, but nothing seems to make sense now. The logic of it all IS there, but the 'ifs' and 'maybes' are all over the place, like scattered photographs of memories that all looked to amount to disaster. Just like Yamato, I want to run away. Somewhere far away. But I feel alone as it is, even with my closest friends nearby? How does this make any sense?

"Love is missing someone in a room full of people" ~ where do I remember this quote from now?

...

Mike. Again it's all about Mike. I need to get over this. I'm not 13 and in love for the first time. He'll be back, he'll smile, he'll tell me he's sorry and kiss me and I'll forget everything again. I want to. It's a never ending story. And every time he goes my throat tightens a bit more. I watch him go and think; how long? How many days will it take till I see him again? I tell him I love him far more times than I told Daisuke. Why doesn't it seem to mean as much to him?

... shit, this is getting me nowhere. Where did it all burst from, I just wanted to write about Yamato and Jyou, about the tabs, about how Steve feels a bit better, about Miya, about Dai falling in love...

Well fuck this. I'm done writing. I've lost too much time on this anyway.

[closed - Michael] Anybody there?

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 11:37:15 GMT

Michael I'm-Nowhere-To-Be-Found-Or-Heard-Of Washington!

We're approaching our 3-months anniversary. And haven't seen each other in forever. And we need to fix this. I'm your boyfriend, not a holiday project.

I know you haven't been feeling so awesome, but at least texts were invented for a reason? I know you don't check this in ages, either, but... I don't know, I'm posting this here. Reply when you see it.

~~I love you, damn you. I'm not okay without you. Can't you guess I miss you?~~

[closed - Jyou, Yamato]

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 22:30:54 GMT

Okay, question time!

... do I need to spell the question?

... do I need to be answered, for that matter? ^^;

~~PS: Night out again? ^^~~

Who you fall in love with.

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 21:42:33 GMT

In Philosophy today we touched an interesting concept. We were discussing the general appeal to tragedy in literature and theater. There were some who said the leaning towards tragedy was born from the inability to be ready for what life throws at us, but fact remains that tragedy strikes unbidden and does not choose. The concept of being ready only helps to 'cope', it doesn't explain the why.

So, debate upon debate, the professor ended up saying that "we fall in love with a person who resembles most of the attributes of collectively everyone that ever meant something to us, good or bad, during our childhood".

I've been brainxercising on this the whole afternoon. It's an interesting concept to say the least and... partially true. Maybe. I dunno - my equation is kind of complex...

Yamato + Patamon + Taichi + Hikari + Dai + Catherine + (...) + MaloMiyotismon = Michael?

but if so, then:

Yamato + Patamon + Taichi + Hikari + Michael + Catherine + (...) + MaloMiyotismon = Daisuke...

x (+/-) M = D, M = D (+/-) x, D (+/-) M = x

so:
Michael (+/-) Dai = everyone else that ever meant anything in my life

... ?_?;

Then in Sociology we discussed first kisses and their importance. The professor proved that nearly everyone remembered their first kiss clearly, but only a small collection of people could recall their second, third, and so on. This is no news to anyone, really, but it's left me turning thoughts about how much I remember of these things.

So, I thought I'd give you a little something to think about. ^^ I'd love to see your thoughts on this.

~~Man, I love my college! <3~~

No words.

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 08:36:44 GMT

In addition to my astonishment not two weeks ago... today I logged into MSN to check things about the France Airline tragedy and... yeah, one would think these things wouldn't happen anymore with advanced technology... u_u; I think nobody I knew was on the plane (... Cathy? Dai? What about you?). They're blaming it on speed-measurements malfunction and said that the plane disintegrated in the air already. Good grief, I can't begin to imagine how that must have been like... Sometimes I think it'd be easier if everybody could travel via digiports like we do... but that would probably lead to incidents too, eventually... we all know they're not 100% safe either. I guess... traveling is a pleasure as much as it is a hazard.

Then I saw another video.

Man Bra

... right. First Hello Kitty latex products and now a Man Bra. Don't tell me some of you guys would actually consider this?

Still. I suppose today you can sell anything so long as you use the right approach to marketing.

~~The world is going nuts.~~

Happiness. (short school assignment)

Wed, 27 May 2009 09:31:53 GMT

"What is this feeling that we have, that is so warm and lingering like mid-winter rainclouds dissolving to let you bask in that last glimpse of the sunset? How can we name it, when it can hold so many meanings, so many unsaid shades of feelings and when it is older than our first words or thoughts?

It starts out at the very beginning, we don't even know how. We don't question how. It's just there. It's a mother's smile, a father's hand holding us and maybe big blue curious eyes that silently try to comprehend how can there be a such a strong feeling drawing them to a moving bundle of something that they have never seen before, again and again. They all feel warm, it's peaceful.

It grows. One day at a time, discarding baby shoes for always a fraction bigger ones, we take small little curious steps wondering how far ahead lies the answer of what it is we are searching for. There's always someone there, holding our hand, tucking us in with a kiss goodnight and there to hug us close when nightmares of scary things that we don't understand come haunt us at night. They have names now, those hands. Mother's, father's, brother's. They make everything alright, every time - they're all we need for that warm feeling to bloom.

Which is why it hurts when we learn we can stand on our two feet without them. We want them to always be there, to always need them, but that's not how it works. Life wants us to go away, to find out where does that emotion come from and make us realize it is felt stronger when shared. So there's other hands we take, always searching, always thinking back and wondering if this is why life is worth living. For fingers to twin with own, for the peaceful sleeping face we wake up next to, for a kiss that comes unbidden in the middle of a crowded street, for the beading of strings that connects two hearts. We feel that warmness all over anew.

It breaks us sometimes, when it leaves, suddenly. It's gone and we don't know why. We reason, we try to find it, try to live in its memory and hope, hope for the best, for it to be back... and to please, please, never leave us again.

But this is when we notice we might have been wrong all along. It's not about the warmness that comes from the hands that hold ours, nor it is about the looks, the kisses or words - those are strong, but fleeting feelings that mark the milestones on that journey we've started way before our first step. And what lies at its end?

The deepest happiness can probably only be seen through wrinkled eyes that look over their shoulder with peace in their soul. It is in those eyes that we should seek wisdom, not in scattered thoughts of a letters freshman like me."

... ^^ it still needs plenty of expanding and polishing, but I'm posting it anyway - just so you guys know I'm not slacking in college. XD

Out and about.

Fri, 22 May 2009 11:06:54 GMT

Quite some things happened this week, I have yet to let them all settle in.

Since Sunday, Daisuke and I are talking again. We decided to... settle things and draw a line over everything. And while things are of course not how they were, I do hope we're starting off again from years back, from when we first came into the same class in Jr High. (Thank you, Dai).

The week started off pretty broodingly. I had no motivation to write whatsoever, I barely managed to finish the thesis on the early American and colonial authors... (Sorry about that, Steve-sensei. X_X I promise I'll work harder next time.) But yes. I didn't feel very pleased with things Wednesday, so I went out drinking with Yamato and Jyou. Yes I actually drink, but just with Yamato and only every once in a while. Jyou was only there for the company, I think we might have... made him uncomfortable at times. We had to, I dimly remember we were discussing, er, these. No, don't ask. ~~What kind of a person would buy those? Or these... >_>;;;~~

I also had a surprisingly pleasant chance meeting and lunch with Ken. He made me like ham and pineapple pizza. I also half-passed on this semi-idea of Taichi's, that we all go to the beach together sometime, to catch up on each-other's lives. But since I don't know what I'm doing this weekend yet, I might go there already and take Patamon with me. Should anyone be sans plans, feel free to drop by. You all have my cell-phone number.

Later. ^^

[closed - Yamato] Hey...

Mon, 18 May 2009 22:29:57 GMT

'niichan, since dad's better... can I ask you something? A favor?

... can we just go somewhere? Somewhere not here. Anywhere will do. Please?

Now you see me, now you don't...

Sun, 17 May 2009 16:04:59 GMT

... because I keep disappearing. ^^; Wow, uni is hectic, why didn't you guys tell us this beforehand?

I went on a lovely date last Wednesday. Hikari, you are one lovely kidnapper, thank you very much. I really needed to get out a bit. =) I also saw Michael last Friday, I went to NYC. I eventually take Taichi-san to the gym, too to help him gather his strength (oh and Koemi-senpai's helping heaps, they're enjoying themselves endlessly on my account half the time... XD). So yes, I'm alive.

I apologize for my... reserved behavior as of late ~~(and switched off phone)~~. It would seem I have a lot to think about... ^^;

Anyway, it's sunny out. I'm going for a walk, I feel like a prisoner here in my room already. Have a wonderful Sunday, everyone.

[PRIVATE] - Sometimes...

Wed, 06 May 2009 10:20:10 GMT

... it's fine. I just sit on the windowsill in the kitchen and watch the traffic below, sipping my tea. But other times it gets... cold. And at the end of the day I just don't feel like talking to anyone. I used to call Mike, to wake him up, wish him good morning and give him a verbal boost for the day, but it's been over a week now that I just don't do it anymore. It started off with him going to Europe, the timezones changed. He had to be the one to call and when he did, he was always dead tired, half drifting off. So when he was back I just told him to go to sleep, I think he listened to me.

Thing is, yesterday they had a party. Or so I think. I heard people and music in the background and... I didn't ask, I just called to wish him goodnight. Could be they arranged a welcome back party? But if so, why wasn't I told, I'd have helped prepare - I even prepared a little something for when he gets back anyway. I suppose the American chosen are tight-knit, but more often than not, it feels like I don't really belong there. Which is understandable - we were not that close buddies even before, but it's disturbing nonetheless because I feel I belong even less here.

It's been two weeks since dad's back home from surgery. Yamato's moved in with him again, of course, but when he's at work, I stay with him. He's doing good, tho doctors are pleased with the rate of his recovery, but it'll be some time till he's back in shape to go to work again. Mom's offered she'd take him to the hot-springs when he's well enough, though he's not said yet wither he'd want to go or not. I don't know how to feel about my family coming together again like this, I've given up hope on it a long time ago, and I'm not even sure what mom's thinking, but it would we nice if we all just went somewhere together, even if it meant pretending everything was fine again for a day.

I've not written here since Easter, have I? And that's... over Easter, Daisuke came by. Literally came by. I have no clue what he was doing in the park by my apartment complex. I was on my way to the store, and suddenly he was there. I didn't even know he'd be back in Japan. I was half in shock. He just talked so normally to me and I was responding likewise but... tears just streamed down my face at a point, out of nowhere. I haven't cried in a year probably. He didn't really comment, he acted as though he couldn't see it. But even if he couldn't, others could, so I took him to my apartment as an excuse. We had tea, we talked; it was all very... careful in a way. And when he left, it sunk in that he was not obliged to even be my friend, and that I've probably caused him more hurt than being with me was worth. Call it irrational, but it makes me wonder wither I'm any good or even able to build my life out from scratch without him.

Because it's not just him I lost, so to speak. Yamato's... I love him, but it doesn't feel the same anymore, I feel I'm clinging to an illusion of him that time's swept away. But then again, it feels as though I've changed, because I'm the one who's made all these decisions, lately... I've not talked with Miya for ever since she and Hikari are trying to settle things between them. It's really sweet, actually. Girls are... so different from us it's amazing. Sometimes, I wish I was with one... and I wonder if things would turn out like they had with my parents, if it's in the genes? I still do like Catherine, though. I wonder what would have happened if I'd have worried a little less and just told her back then, but... I guess we'll never know.

Steve's come to Japan, though. He's settling in okay-ish... I think. He does seem a lot stressed and prudent about anything and everything and is blushing half the time I talk to him, but I hope he'll be okay. He is quite an encyclopedia, that's for sure, for what I managed to talk with him and he really loves his subject, his eyes just come alive when he talks about it... but is it sad to say his classes are nearly the only thing I'm now looking forward to?

I used to be everywhere, talking with everyone. I don't even feel myself lately.

Drained.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 08:55:27 GMT

I have slept a total of two and a half hours, and have been up for over a day before that, but I've handed in the sample manuscript today. Except not.

Apparently the hand-in date had been moved because the professor taking in the scripts went to America on some sort of recruiting program? I'm not sure. X_X

I just drained myself out in vain - the new date will most probably be either by the end of the moth or even June.

... I'm going to go check some classes while I'm here. u_u;

'over' the wather.

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:37:11 GMT

Sun's up, after what - a week? It's been raining for so long now that it feels like a shame to stay inside and waste it like this. I'm off to the park to play some basketball, it's been ages since I last did... always been too busy with this or that. I should really stay inside and write, but I can't seem to right now anyway, so... park it is. ^^ Should anybody feel the need to join ~~tho I understand most people are not very keen to talk to me at the moment~~, I'll have my cell-phone with me.

Spring's coming, don't waste it. ^^

[private] - Hello... newfound solitude.

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 21:27:05 GMT

それとも
いつか羽根が生えるまで私と一緒に空へと運んであげるまで - 止まることなく走るわ
見上げた子の広い空のそらの空の本当の広さを知る日は　そう遠くはない
I say... 「Hello」　明日へ

"But still
Until the day I grow wings, until you can carry me up to the sky - I’ll never stop running
Looking up at this vast heaven, the day when I find the real vastness is not too far
I say... HELLO to tomorrow"

I've cleaned the windows, vacuumed and polished the floor, rearranged all of my notes, sorted the mail, cleaned the fridge and rearranged everything in it, re-sorted all my clothes in the wardrobe, all my shoes (not that there's an insane amount of them), watered all the plants, righted all the frames and posters I own, changed the name on my front door and mailbox downstairs, aired the pillows and bed covers for the short time it stopped raining, done the laundry and put it to dry (indoors), cleaned the bathroom, sorted all my books onto the shelves and now I don't have any more excuses why I'm not writing.

I just can't, though. Sitting by the window, watching the rain and listening to these... not-quite-there songs is not helping.

It's sort of hard to be alone like this now. I'm not used to it.

[closed - Daisuke]

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 13:18:54 GMT

I'm sorry.

I don't think I can find the right words and the fact that I need to search for them in the first place feels awful in itself, but I think I have to do this. I'm letting you down. I'm letting myself down, most of everybody else too. You can hate me if you will, I'll understand. It's my fault for changing. I know I said I needed a month's pause, but I can't find anything that will help me piece things together to how they used to be in that time. You know how you said I'm growing colder? I was. I don't know why. I still do love you and I still do want to be with you, but if I just can't be the person you used to love, it's not fair to you. I think I should let you go, and you find somebody who can be that person.

I know what you think and no. This is not about Michael. This isn't about anybody else but me. It would have happened with or without him either way. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, it feels like loosing half of me, or the last bit of the me that I used be that you believed in. I may be changing for worse. I'm expecting people to ask questions and point fingers. I know what I'm doing by letting you go. If I could find a way to not hurt you, I would, but even just swallowing this down eventually would.

So, I can only write this hoping you'll still want to talk to me, in time.

I'm sorry, again.

~Takeru

[closed - Sora] - Question...

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 10:31:28 GMT

Uhm, Sora-san?

I have a hypothetical and an actual question... and maybe a couple more. Do you maybe have some time you can spare? ^^;

[private] - Out of the spotlight, thankfully.

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 12:36:36 GMT

The party was... yeah.

Mike was... he was... >_>

*sighs* I'm really just sort of waiting for some divine intervention that will come smiting me dead in place from above. Something like that should NOT feel so incredible. I kissed him so many time I've lost count.

I came over early the port was open and I thought he was up already (it was 9-something AM in America - he might have been) but he wasn't. Oh no. I came in to a room full of balloons and a banner reading happy-birthday. And he was asleep, on his bed, in his boxers only, the laptop with the port by his hip on the bed. ~~YES I THINK HE PLANNED IT.~~

He looked amazing. He has this... ethereal feel about him when he sleeps, blond locks flowing over the pillow and lips just barely parted and oh god he's got that flowing toned muscle-structure going... I stood there gawking for a full minute, just wishing myself happy early birthday in blissful elation. So of course I went to kiss him awake (I just had the decency to put the laptop on the floor and out of harm's way first). Kissing led to him waking up, which led to more kissing, which... got a little out of hand.

...

Okay, this is my private entry. I should NOT feel embarrassed writing in here about it, I'm 18 now and it's not like I've never made out in my life before. Hell I even had to kiss Yamato at a dare game once. *rolls yes* So yes. It probably wasn't the most moral thing I have done in my life, and I realize this, but it's pointless to deny that Michael makes me weak in the knees no matter how hard I try to suppress it.

Nothing happened beyond... making out... he was tired, I was tired and we had to be up in a few hours because Taichi-san and Jyou-san were coming over. So we curled into the sheets and slept for a while.

Basically, the party started okay. We boys were all there and together and it was sort of awkward, to me anyway. I stayed on neutral ground, but so did Daisuke and Michael and it was sort of awful. X_X I'm so not fit for these sort of situations... So basically I told Dai about the 'pause' matter. His mood went downhill fast from there, but I told him I still did love him (because I do) and that I'll explain it to him however many times he wants. It hurt seeing him hurt and I nearly took it all back. u_u; I don't want to let him go, but I can't know if I love him for him or just put of habit I don't try this. Because if it's habit I don't think I could forgive myself.

But things went slightly better shortly after, when Taichi decided we needed to pudding the girls. Now. Girls hate getting their hair and dresses dirty in general, even if we didn't have a party to go to later on. So when they actually bought the pudding and tried to ambush them at the mall, I ducked and just grabbed Catherine and Hikari taking the blow for them. So now I had to change... but that actually proved a good thing. Mike took me home again and lent me some of his clothes (he's taller, but we found something anyway, and I don't think I'm ready to return his shirt just yet... <3). He said I looked good, which led to me blushing, which triggered kissing, which resulted in a half-hour delay to the meet-up time by... Yes, I'll say it. Making out. Against the wall.

By the time we were back, people were already tipsy, Hikari of all people included. It was amusing talking to them (and efficiently putting me out of having to be alone with just Mike and Dai >_<). Then the song came on, the one that Mike agreed he'd dance with me on and he dragged me there. I dragged some of the others too... so it wouldn't be so obvious. But it still sort was. I mean I did unofficially date Mike last year. I think at least Hikari picked something up even tho I was being really careful. She gave me this look... *sighs*

Tho thankfully I was far from the spotlight within minutes. Hikari just sort of... kissed Miyako. And kissed. And kissed. I missed what triggered it, but dear god. I have never seen Hikari kiss anybody like that. But she.... must have learned from Dai... or Dai from her. Or... I don't know. I thought he would feel awful about it. I mean, before me they did date. He had a crush on her since he was in middle school. I slipped a hand around his waist and half-hugged him, but he didn't really reasoned. Which was when I realized this whole 'pause' idea was not going to really work. I was hoping beyond hope it would, but it takes two to carry this on, and...

And I know it looks bad. It's not just an excuse - I really do need to figure this out. From when a year ago all these problems happened and I thought he was dead, I just blindly wanted him with me, where I could protect him, where he wouldn't be threatened and where I was ready to annihilate whatever threat without questions. I hate that feeling, it's not rooted in love, but possession. Which is why I hate that digevolution. And it's been looming in the background ever since, seeping a bit at a time into my daily life, thoughts and feelings.

Miyako a while a go said that I'm lucky to have come out of the affront without lasting damage (she's on pills and iori, too, is just... just no. I'm not even going to talk about Ken) but I think I did get some scars. And it took me a month to be able to simply hold Patamon again at the time...

So I need to know. I love Daisuke. In a way I forever will. But I need to understand what way.

Michael is wonderful. I don't know if he really loves me, it's probably more of an attraction, but he makes me feel alive, and makes me forget about those looming dark thoughts.

And I want to know if I've done the right thing. It feels like I did. But there's nobody here that I feel I could talk to, that won't accuse me - everybody's just too wont of seeing me with Daisuke that it's become a steady pattern. So, even though it sounds awful, I'm kind of glad Hikari and Miyako are in the mainframe now overshadowing this. I don't know what happened back there, or if it was a game or if there's something underneath it all... but I hope they find a solution? It would be awful if they felt awkward around each-other from now on. They did indeed look to have enjoyed themselves at the time being... ^^;

高石 タケル